


Rudyard Ruins The First Aid Course

by Melanie_D_Peony



Series: Rudyard Ruins EVERYTHING [2]
Category: Wooden Overcoats (Podcast)
Genre: And I will proudly go with it, Awkward Flirting, Background Antiware, Bad medical practices, Between Episodes, Between Seasons/Series, Chapyard is less of a ship and more of a pedalo, First Aid, Fluff and Humor, Goes without saying DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME KIDS, Heads up for SPOILERS and reappropriating canon text for my selfish purposes, I just need it to feel earned, M/M, Mention of death and funerals, Near miss kiss, Not intended as a reliable first aid traing manual!, One Shot, Sir this is MY emotional support project so I get to make the rules, Slow Romance, Stand Alone, Think speed of continents peeps, Warning for super SLOWburn, Will sink within a day, mention of blood and injury, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27407554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melanie_D_Peony/pseuds/Melanie_D_Peony
Summary: Rudyard Funn runs a funeral home in the village of Piffling Vale. It used to be the only one. It isn't any more. Rudyard is a fairly limited man and his talents are few and far between. But despite being of little means and even less ability, even Rudyard can learn a new skill every now and again. Especially if that skill is something as straightforward as the emergency treatment of the ailing and the injured.After all, even Rudyard Funn can't ruin the first aid course.Surely.
Relationships: Eric Chapman/Rudyard Funn
Series: Rudyard Ruins EVERYTHING [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003398
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	Rudyard Ruins The First Aid Course

**Author's Note:**

> In which mouth to mouh is instigated 
> 
> CW Mention of blood and injury

_Our story today begins in Piffling's first and foremost hospital; St Pratt's that is in its usual state of utter chaos. Trying his best to keep on top of the rounds despite the lack of funding, sleep or indeed any other members of staff, is Doctor Edgware, who is currently taking a well deserved micro nap. But being the most diligent (and the only) doctor of Piffling means that he is often caught practising even in his slumber; as it is the case now. Swaying gently on his feet as he snores away standing, Dr Edgware is currently administering a morphine injection to a beach ball. A well-intended treatment if a bit ineffective._

*

The pop of the punctured ball roused Dr Edgware just as we filed into the teeming entrance lobby of the hospital. Yes, the entire staff team of Funn Funerals was attending training today under the vigilant, if exhausted, gaze of Dr Edgware. Even I was there; hidden snugly in Rudyard's top pocket, of course. There are some places a mouse is simply not welcome, hospitals being a prime example of that. Including the most decrepit and run-down ones, like St Pratt's. 

'This is wretched. I hate this.' Antigone wailed, her eyes flashing around the chairs, filled with people in various stages of agony. 'Georgina, remind me why do we have to do this again?'

'Because workplaces with less than five employees have to have at least one qualified first aider on-site at all times.' Georgie supplied helpfully.

'Who says?' Seethed the mortician, sounding personally affronted by such legal nitpicking.

'Mayor Desmond, so you know it's important.' Georgie nodded with an unusually pedantic candour she adopted while working in the Village Hall. 

'But aren't _you_ supposed to be great at reviving?' Antigone complained.

'Do I have a certificate? No.' Georgie pointed out. ''Besides, you deal with death every day. So why are you in a tizz over a simple first aid course? It can't be so much worse than being elbow deep in bodies.' 

'That's different.' Antigone moaned, trying to contort and shrink further, playing with a strand of her dark, lank hair anxiously. She looked exposed and uncomfortable without the protection of her shadows. 'It's quiet in my mortuary. You are left alone with your thoughts there and oblivion feels remarkably close at hand. Nobody expects anything from you. And crucially, nobody _stares_ at you.' 

Antigone had a point there as the waiting room happened to be full of people who had not seen her since she shed her second skin of an outdoor survival suit like a socially awkward, deathly pale butterfly and rejoined the land of the living. These residents were now busy pointing at her and discussing in an undertone how they had thought that she was dead for the better half of seventeen years.

'Since when does the Mayor care about such things as health and safety, is what I want to know.' Rudyard mused beside them. 'Isn't he usually kept very busy?' 

'Since last week when he signed a new regulation about it by accident. It's because he doesn't always read everything he's given.' Georgie shrugged defeatedly.

'And seeing how half of the incidents in my casebook had been caused by Funn Funerals, I'd say it's high time that someone gave you some training in emergency treatment.' Commented Dr Edgeware as he joined us, clustering in the middle of the A&E. 'I only wish it wouldn't have to be me.'

'Now look here, that statistic sounds a fair whack exaggerated.' Protested Rudyard, prompting Dr Edgware to pluck a little notebook from the pocket of his blue scrubs.

'Tuesday, 25th of August.' He pretended to read. In reality, he was quoting the contents off the top of his head, clearly holding the book open only for the sake of showmanship. Meanwhile, he maintained unnervingly steady eye contact with Rudyard. 'Geraldine Carmichael, 82, widow of Stanley Carmichael. Cause of death: traumatic brain injury, obtained in a brawl that ensued following a _Funn funeral_.' 

'I…' muttered Rudyard, shrinking a few sizes in his Oxfords but Dr Edgware wasn't finished yet. He turned slightly to face Antigone this time.

'Tuesday, 22nd of September.' He began. 'Name of the deceased: Seymour Profitte.' 

'That's not fair!' Antigone cried. 'He died because a waitress stabbed him through the eye with a pinata stick.' 

'Yes and shattered his cranium. Though that left his sense of entitlement intact.' Dr Edgware admitted, but he wasn't finished yet. 'But while that may be true, he was originally sent into cardiac arrest by Miss Antigone Funn.

Antigone gasped for air indignantly as the angry doctor made a show of turning a page in his casebook and locked eyes with Georgie this time.

'Wednesday, 5th of March. Twenty-five legs were broken at a conference of undertakers due to reckless mandolin music, instigated by Rudyard Funn.' 

'Oh, come on!' Yelped Rudyard, causing Dr Edgware to whip his head around and glower at him. 'It wasn't my fault. I just sang a song and played some music.' 

'Let me ask you this. If you are all so innocent, then how come that most of my patients are sent here by you and one of your bloody funerals? You people,' he continued without giving us a chance to answer, pointing his bony finger on the three staff members of the Funn funeral parlour in turn. 'are a menace to society. You should all be struck off. I fantasise about that sometimes.' 

He trailed off for a moment and stared into thin air, his eyes filling with happy tears he had no time to shed. Then he proceeded to nod off for a few beats, only to startle to wakefulness by a renewed wave of anger. 

'But make no mistake, Mr Funn. The slightest excuse and I'll have any business permit you've ever held revoked, permanently. Don't hand it to me on a plate.' He thundered, poking a finger in Rudyard's chest. 'And take my advice: if you think you are about to annoy me, don't. Any questions?' 

'W-when do we start?' Rudyard asked with a shaky smile while we all held our breath in terror.

'That's better.' Dr Edgware muttered and, turning on his heels, he led the way to the training centre.

'Dr Edgware is beginning to look a bit unstable, don't you think?' Rudyard muttered when he was certain that the doctor was out of earshot.

'Completely unhinged.' Nodded Georgie in agreement.

'Unhinged.' Echoed Antigone with a strange emphasis, pressing her hands to her sternum, the lightest of blushes dusting her cheeks. ' _Yes_.' 

'Are you alright?' Georgie narrowed her eyes at her, which caused the mortician to snap out of her strange stupor. 

'Yes. I am just frightened. Don't look at me. **Shut up**.' She rushed to say in one breath and hurried after Dr Edgware so the others can't ogle her in shock.

'Still, there’s one consolation.' Concluded Rudyard with renewed optimism as we filed into a big, empty hall in tow of Dr Edgware. 'While we are tied up here I can at least be sure that my day won't involve, in any shape or form, the irritating presence of…' 

'Morning all.' 

'CHAPMAN!' Yelped Rudyard and indeed, planted firmly by the weary doctor's side was the Funn's funereal nemesis, Eric Chapman. 'What are you doing here?!' 

'I simply wanted to help in any way I can.' Beamed Chapman.

'Seeing how there's three of you but only one of me' intercepted Dr Edgware. 'today's training could not have taken place without the aid of my charming assistant of a certain everyman quality, Mr Eric Chapman.'

'Are you even qualified to abet events like this, Chapman?' Growled Rudyard, hoping against all hope to rid himself of the presence of his nemesis. 

'I studied medicine at Oxford.' Eric assured him, causing Rudyard to simply roll his eyes.

'Of course you did.' 

'Besides, Mr Chapman will only be playing the role of the dummy.' Dr Edgware declared, gesturing at the resuscitation mannequins, lying on the floor by our feet. There were only two of them. 

'Sounds like business as usual, then.' Rudyard commented, chuckled and proceeded to pat himself verbally on the back. 'Off the cuff.' 

' _Fan-sodding-tastic._ All these cutting corners! Can we not even afford three measly CPR manikins these days for god's sake?' Grumbled Antigone who was also a bit flustered to see her former crush present.

'St Pratt's didn't have the money to buy hand sanitiser, to begin with, and nowadays I am expected to run two hospitals on the same budget.' Dr Edgware threw a dirty glance at Chapman at that, to which the cheery funeral director remained oblivious. 'So I think the answer is implicit here, Miss Funn. Now, let us not waste any more time as this little session is keeping me away from a lot of patients, all of whom require my attention. We'll cut to the chase with some first aid scenarios.' 

Opening a manila folder he began to shift between sheets of paper, muttering about various gruesome summaries. 

'Let's see, let's see. Poisoned letter opener, no sign of foul play, no. Head crushed by granite sundial, that won't do. Excessively springy settee, dangerously low ceiling fan, no. Ah, this is it.' 

He flicked to a sheet that got his attention and began to read it out.

"Patient is lying in a large pool of blood and appears to be very pale. He is drifting in and out of consciousness and there is a large laceration present on the right thigh with bright red blood spurting from the wound." What possible treatment would you give as first aiders?' 

'We need to treat the bleeding first, as it appears to be arterial and that can quickly become,' Antigone, the only actual medical professional present began confidently. Her voice trailed off, however, when she noticed that Dr Edgware was eyeing her appreciatively and she finished off with a large gulp of shuddering breath. ' _catastrophic_.' 

'Very good. Now it's time to demonstrate. Mr Chapman, if you please,' 

'Why certainly so, Dr Edgware.' Eric nodded eagerly and he proceeded to lie down on the floor. The two women stepped to the dummies hurriedly. Only Rudyard hesitated, a little way away from where Eric's shapely shape was sprawled out on the ground. Turning his head, Chapman smiled up at him and said.

'Looks like I am going to be your victim, Rudyard.' 

'It was a fix!' Bellowed Rudyard instinctively, throwing his hands in the air like he was held at gunpoint, as he could remember very vividly what happened last time when he was accused of laying hands on Eric Chapman - and he really wasn't dressed for getting chased by an angry mob. 'In fact, I want the record to show that I have never expressed any desire to injure, or flat out murder him! And you can’t prove anything to the contrary-'

'I meant for the sake of the scenario, Rudyard.' Eric tried to reassure him. Rudyard remained somewhat dubious still but finally proceeded to kneel by his nemesis. But before he got a chance to do anything, Eric pushed himself up on his elbows and laid his palm on Rudyard's hand where it rested, trembling slightly with nerves, on his knees.

'Before we begin,' said Eric, boring his big, earnest, shockingly blue eyes into Rudyard's. 'I just want you to know that you, Rudyard Funn, are the most important person.' 

For a moment, Rudyard could only stare back at him, his throat dry with all the moisture seemingly having evaporated from his mouth. Struggling to speak with barely any breath left in his lungs, he just about managed to gasp.

'Now look here, Chapman… What?' 

'I mean on the scene. You are the first responder!' Chapman pointed out helpfully. 'You can't help anyone if you are injured yourself. You should always check if it's safe to approach the patient first.' 

'Astonishing.' Rudyard rolled his eyes as Eric resumed his position as a traumatised casualty. He looked relieved, yes. But also, there was a strangely disappointed wilt to the corner of his mouth as he made a show of looking about himself for immediate threats. 

'Now, the first thing you want to do to stop the bleeding…' Dr Edgeware began when Georgie, who was clearly originally trained someplace with an abundance of health professionals, interrupted.

'Hang on. Aren't we supposed to shout for help? Or call for an ambulance?' 

'You are certainly welcome to try.' Dr Edgware could only shrug darkly in the face of such naive optimism. 'But what I was going to say is that to stop the bleeding you will have to apply pressure.' 

Staring down at Eric, Rudyard could only frown. 

'Well, I am not sure how's that supposed to help, but…' And he proceeded to billow at his unsuspecting training partner. 'Now look here, Chapman. Stop bleeding, or else.' 

'Hah. Very good.' Chuckled Eric almost fondly. 'But what Dr Edgware means is that you should bandage me to stop me from bleeding out. Now, can you grab that bit of gauze and press it onto my thigh?' 

'Of course not. That's obscene.' Rudyard objected, sounding profoundly scandalized.

That moment, Dr Edgware appeared, looming over us like the grim reaper himself, the dark circles sharp and defined, like a pair of sickles, under his bleary eyes.

'Is anything the matter, Mr Funn?' 

'No, of course not.' Rudyard hurried to say, chastened a bit by the threatening edge of the doctor's voice. 

'That's better. Need I remind you that as Piffling's foremost medical practitioner I am qualified to end you using just these two fingers if you cross my path?' Dr Edgware held up his thumbs before turning his back on us.

'Foremost medical practitioner.' Muttered Rudyard reluctantly picking up some non-adhesive dressing from a nearby first-aid kit. ' _By default_ , maybe.'

'What was that?' Dr Edgware spun on his heels with uncharacteristic vigour.

'Look here, I was just saying that seeing how Chapman is a trained first aid personnel, apparently, he would probably be better off applying his own tourniquet, no?' Wagered Rudyard and Eric, always a bit of a sucker for someone complimenting his skills, nodded thoughtfully.

'He's got a point there, Henry.' 

'So is this how you want to play it?' Grumbled the physician with grave satisfaction, then he announced loudly. 'Let's shake up this scenario a bit. Despite your efforts, your patients are now going into shock and losing consciousness. How do you proceed?' 

'Oh, why do I even bother?' Sighed Rudyard, still clutching the now completely useless bandage. 'It's like he wants me to be rubbish.' 

'Rudyard, you are a reasonable, well-adjusted adult. You can do this. Just need to use the ABC's of the primary survey.' Eric encouraged him. 

Rudyard looked at him, blinking in confusion before he shrugged. 

'No, sorry, that's just a noise.'

'Have you never resuscitated anyone before?' 

'I am a funeral director! If I went around reviving people left and right I'd be out of business in no time.' Grumbled Rudyard darkly. 'Why, have you?!'

'Oh, well, last time was-' Eric trailed off, looking into the middle distance. 'A long time ago.' 

'Jesus, Chapman.' Rudyard pinched the bridge of his nose with exasperation as his competitor shook himself from his stupor.

'It’s going to work. OK?' Eric tried to reassure him. 'You are going to pass the test and… it’ll be great.'

Rudyard looked up, and the hope in his eyes was both beautiful to behold and entirely misplaced.

'Oh, I see! You are planning to tip me the wink, aren't you?'

'Erm, no. I’m just trying to give you a boost.'

'B-but I think you’ll find that I'd do the same for you if I were in your position.' Pleaded Rudyard. 'You know. If it really came to the crunch.'

Chapman contemplated his competitor's attempted supplication.

'Nnnno you wouldn’t.' He concluded finally.

'But aren't you supposed to be the better man?' Rudyard pressed on, unperturbed.

'Usually, yes. Though it would hardly be fair this time, would it? To the others.' 

Rudyard looked up, only to find the rest of Funn Funerals in a flurry of activity, tending confidently to their manikins.

'Oh, for god's sake. Look, they are fine. It's not them you need to worry about!' He snapped his anger born mostly of desperation. You might have ascertained that he wasn't best pleased to find himself literally on his knees, begging Chapman for scraps. 

'I suppose a little hint can't hurt.' Chapman shrugged amiably. ' And you can work out the rest using your intelligence. So this acronym, ABC, is supposed to help you establish vital signs.'

'You lost me after this.' 

'Think, Rudyard. What can the letters stand for?'

'Well, A and B probably stand for… " _a bone_ "? 

'And then C would be…?' 

" _Coming through the skin is bad_?"

'Not quite.' Eric rolled his eyes with fond exasperation, confronted with Rudyard's usual ineptitude. His grumbling alerted Dr Edgware's attention, who was busy appraising Georgie's haemostatic dressing techniques until then. 

'Anything's the matter, Mr Chapman?' He asked, his voice intimidating even despite its sleepy cadence. 

'Nothing, just being unconscious.' Eric hurried to promise emphatically and reclined, slipping back into the role of a half-dead patient. 

'Come on, Rudyard…' The proprietor of my mousehole scolded himself quietly. 

I couldn't help but notice how the lack of action around our station was becoming increasingly obvious to the good doctor and made the executive decision to give a little nudge to Rudyard.

'Oh, A is for _airways!_ Right. Jolly good.' His tense frame visibly sagged with relief as I told him the answer and a delighted half-smile was tugging at the corner of his lips. Only for all that solace to evaporate almost immediately after. 'Except I still don't know what to do.' 

'Tilt my head back.' Eric whispered at him, from the corner of his mouth. His eyes remained closed and his hands lay passively by his side to be as discreet as possible. 

'What?!'

'I said tilt my head back.'

'That doesn’t make any sense, Chapman, you must see that!' Rudyard hissed back, instinctively lowering his voice.

'Yes it does. It's supposed to open my airways.' Eric was becoming agitated by the fact that Rudyard chose this moment to argue and be difficult. But the older Funn conceded quickly this time, displaying only a fraction of his characteristic stubbornness. Instead, he tucked two fingers under his competitor's chin and nudged his head back with the gentleness of someone who had no idea what he was doing.

Finally, an approving spark appeared in Dr Edgware's otherwise lifeless, unfocused eyes.

'Excellent. Now let's establish whether your patient is breathing.' 

Rudyard buried his face in his palms with a big sigh, rapidly losing any pipe dream of ever passing the first aid course.

'Place your ear above my mouth, looking down my body.' Came a whisper from Eric's direction. It wasn't easy to make out what he was saying, given that he tried to talk without moving his lips like a ventriloquist, but we got the gist of it. 'Listen for sounds of breathing and see if you can feel my breath on your cheek. Watch to see if my chest moves.' 

Too grateful to even be a source of inconvenience, Rudyard rushed to do exactly as he was told, bending obediently over Eric. 

'Well. Does your casualty have any sort of respiration?' Dr Edgware inquired.

'No.' Replied Georgie.

'No.' Antigone agreed as they were both working on inanimate manikins,

'Yes. Yes! Mine does!' Rudyard cried out triumphantly. 'I am pleased to say that Chapman is breathing!'

'That's something you don't hear every day…' Muttered Antigone, while Dr Edgware turned his pleading gaze skywards.

'Alright, Mr Funn.' He said slowly, with thinning patience. 'Let's make it so he doesn't.'

'That can be arranged.' Growled Georgie, her voice full of bloodlust.

'What was that?' Called out Chapman angrily, but their bickering was swiftly interrupted. 

'If you are all quite done squabbling, now would be a fine time for you to begin CPR.' Dr Edgware instructed them.

'What do I do, Chapman?' Rudyard crouched down again, whispering urgently at Eric.

'You have to give me some rescue breaths.' 

'Yes, alright. But how? ' 

'You have to share your air with me.' Eric tried in haste to walk Rudyard through the process. 'It's easy enough. You just have to seal my lips with yours.' 

Stunned silence descended on our little trio. Rudyard stared down at Chapman in disbelief, his limbs trembling, his lungs aching for breath as he choked on whatever wiseacre answer he may have had in store. His eyes looked sunken and his skin pale and drawn as he blanched at the mere suggestion of such a lurid path of actions. And there was again that unusual, wonderful sheen to his eyes that only sheer, naked panic seemed to bring forward. 

'Whenever you are ready, Mr Funn.' Called over Dr Edgware laconically. 'I mean, without resuscitation organ failure will begin to set in after 3 minutes but, you know. Take your time.' 

'Yes, alright,' Rudyard snapped, letting out a shuddering breath. 

Now, far be it from me to interfere with Rudyard's business practices. But as an author (even a bestselling one) never knows where her next meal is coming from, I simply had to warn him to get a bit of perspective. After all, his entire fortune was depending on whether he was willing to nab Chapman under the hostile gaze of the island's only doctor. But just as I poked my head out of his jacket pocket to give him a piece of my mind, he seemed to have come to a decision himself. His heart pounding, his palm sweating he leaned forward, narrowing the distance between himself and Eric's handsome countenance - immediately dislodging me, from where I was perched discreetly in my hiding spot, in the process! 

I landed, gracelessly, square in the middle of the toned chest of Rudyard's foremost (if only) competitor. Eric looked up from pretending not to have a pulse and scowled at me with mild, compassionate confusion.

'Madeleine?' 

By then everyone in the room had clocked my presence, but I maintain that things could have turned out for the better still - Dr Edgware would probably have given Rudyard a stern talking to about bringing wild animals to a hospital, but that would have been the end of it. But alas the island's only private carer for hire, Nurse Dixon, chose just that moment to enter. Presumably to have a chat about Miss Scruple's bunions that had the unfortunate habit of remaining bunions even upon the hundredth inspection.

'Oh my god' she whispered with horror. 'is that a mouse?' 

'No! Stop! No need to be alarmed!' Rudyard pleaded desperately, but it was too little, too late as the Nurse began to scream.

'It’s an infestation! We’ll all be killed!' 

Her desperate wailing alerted the rest of the Piffling residents present in the waiting room, who took the news with their characteristic calm and equanimity.

That is to say that the stampede began immediately. 

Luckily, Rudyard had enough presence of mind to scoop me up and pop me into his pocket as our small team escaped into the foyer and poured out onto the street along with the flood of hysterical patients that were quick to evacuate upon hearing about a sidewalk mouse infestation.

'So now that you've met and killed your first casualty, how would you say this all going, Rudyard?' Growled Antigone as she finally caught her breath.

'Antigone, now is not the time to gloat.' 

'This is the perfect time to gloat.' Argued his sister, but before they had time to completely lose themselves in undermining each other, Dr Egdgware appeared by their side, silently and without haste like a bad omen. 

'Mr Rudyard Funn. What did I say to you about annoying me?'

'Dr Edgware! Y-you are looking at me as if this is somehow my fault.'

'Am I?'

'Yes. You are.'

'Do you think there might possibly be a good reason for that?'

'Aside from your vindictive nature?' 

'Let's take stock, shall we, and see where the fault truly lies, who might be to blame for the public hysteria and the damage to health and property it caused. Mr Funn, not only did you destroy half of St Pratt's and created the impression that we have a pest infestation, forcing me to close the building for a whole week until it's properly fumigated - but you also _ruined my first aid course!_ ' 

'Now look here, in my defence, keeping people alive is against everything we stand for!' Rudyard began indignantly, but his aggravation was quick to run out in the face of Dr Edgware's contempt. 'If you’re here to kill me then can you do it now?'

'That won't be necessary.' Dr Edgware's voice was awash with something that they did not see him express before; pure delight. 'Mr Funn, I am in your debt!'

'What?!' Asked the three members of the Funn Funerals staff team quipped in unison. 

'For the next week or so, I am only going to have one hospital to run, thanks to you.' Dr Edgware explained, gesticulating happily, on the brink of laughing out loud. 'I might even get one of those…you know… you have them at the end of the week… A…'

'… Weekend?' Rudyard wagered.

'Lunchbreak, that’s it. That’d be glorious. I’ve been subsisting on some muesli in my top pocket for the last fortnight. I’d offer you some, as a sign of my gratitude, but I’ve got a system. Not sure if I can ever thank you enough?' 

'Actually' Rudyard furrowed his brows thoughtfully. 'there is one thing…'

'Pills? Naturally. What's your poison?' 

'No, I meant - can we have our first aid certificates please?' 

'Hah, of course.' Dr Edgware nodded without hesitation and nipped quickly back into the hospital that was, incredibly enough, already getting scaffolded by a team of exterminators that seemed to have manifested out of thin air. Only to return, waving three documents merrily. 'Here. Now, I'll be off then! I might book a holiday. Half an hour at the beach. Or take a nap. Oh, what the hell, I could have that now!'

And with that, his chin dropping onto his chest, the doctor began to snore away. 

'Georgie! Antigone! We did it!' Rudyard emitted a celebratory, yet muffled cry. He needn't have been so considerate; pest control was making an awful racket, but the doctor slept right through it.

'Well done, sir!' Smiled Georgie. 'We should celebrate! Do you like your hot water weak or strong?' 

'Ooo… surprise me. No, strong.' 

But just as we were about to make our way back to Funn Funerals, we were approached by a familiar figure. 

'Ahoy there, Funns.' Eric greeted the three of them, smiling, not perceiving the less than enthusiastic reception as usual as it wasn't in Eric's nature to accept apathy as an answer. 'What an upset! I was chatting with the workers back there. Turns out I know this guy who is sorting St Pratt's out with the pest control. You'll never guess who it is.'

'Is it Graham?' Rudyard attempted anyway.

'It is! It’s Graham! Anyway, we should do this again sometime, Rudyard.' Chapman suggested cheerily, clapping the other funeral director on the shoulder. And while his voice was scant of any innuendo or doublespeak, I couldn't help but feel that his hand lingered, clasped around Rudyard's slight shoulder, a bit longer than propriety dictates. 

'No need for that, Chapman.' Rudyard, oblivious as ever, happily supplied. 'You'll find that we've all passed the first aid course with flying colours. We are off to celebrate, actually, so if you'll excuse us.'

'Oh, yeah, fair enough.' Eric's grin faded a shade or two as he shrugged his shoulders with feigned nonchalance. 'Fair enough.' 

'Bye Eric!' Waved Georgie, pleasant as ever when she had a chance to dump the overeager funeral director.

'Chapman.' Nodded Antigone, trudging after her brother and her employee.

Trust me, I seriously contemplated pointing out to Rudyard the way Chapman looked like an abandoned puppy, sad and lost in the middle of the hubbub that surrounder St Pratt's at the moment - but with so many exterminators around I felt that bringing attention to myself would have been ill-advised. But, as it turns out, there was no need. Rudyard only walked a few paces before chancing a glance back, seeing the way Chapman stuffed his hands in his pockets, squaring his shoulders, kicking the curb resolutely, before he slowed his happy gallop and came to an uncertain halt. He rolled his eyes towards the heavens and with about as much enthusiasm as if he was asked to take a stroll in the bogs of the Piffling Woods, he turned on his heels and approached Eric, muttering to himself throughout.

'In the name of flipping… bloody… stupid… Chapman?' He barked and Chapman snapped up his head. The smile gracing his features was like a ray of sunshine appearing after a storm.

'Oh, hello Rudyard.'

'Now look here' Rudyard began, obviously trying his darned best to be as rude and hostile as possible, but not quite cutting it. 'I’m sure you’re perfectly content where you are, probably have some world leaders to meet or boats to christen or whatever is that you actually do. So if that’s the case and you are too busy, then ignore me, but…' 

'I'm not too busy.' Eric rushed to intercept.

'Or maybe not interested-'

'I am interested.' 

'Or maybe you’re too busy-'

'I’m still not too busy.'

'I was just going to say… Well, you did help me a great deal in your own, unpredictable way. And if you were at a loose end today… Then we would be just about willing to have you rock on up and invade our private celebration.' Rudyard offered as begrudgingly as humanly possible. But there was something unmistakably tender and tentative in the invitation that made my heart feel a bit too big for my chest as we awaited Eric's answer - which is a bit too rigorous activity for someone with metabolism as fast as mine. I was getting too old for this!

Chapman's response, however, was so full of sincere enthusiasm that even my inherently suspicious best friend couldn't help but ease up a bit.

'Rudyard, I’d love to be involved. And I’d be thrilled to provide refreshments! How about I bring around my chocolate fountain?' 

'Could be very nice. Very nice indeed… Fair enough, Mr Chapman, it’s a deal.' Gushed Rudyard, welcoming the opportunity to look as if he was taking advantage of the situation. Only, the act began to slip again as he added solemnly. 'And… thank you.'

'Don't mention it.'

'Alright, I won't.' Agreed Rudyard, grateful to retreat to the familiar territory of amicable hostility. 'Ooo, can we stop for coffee at yours?'

'Of course.' Nodded Eric, feeling agreeable.

'Now there's only one thing I would like to know. Where did you learn first aid from?' Squinted Rudyard as they both turned to trudge towards the square.

'That summer I was fixing jet skis in Argentina? I also worked as a lifeguard in Playa Escondida; a beautiful naturist beach along the coast.' 

'What's a naturist beach?' 

'I'll tell you about it. One day.' Promised Eric, flushing tomato red as he quickly dismissed the question.

And if I had a sort of premonition about the way Chapman casually threw his arm around Rudyard's shoulder while busy depicting one of his many adventures, allowing a glimpse at his numerous secrets… Or about the way Rudyard leaned into the touch so naturally, without a second thought… Well, I was quick to dismiss it with what felt like fully justified scepticism at the time.

The events of next month, however, were quick to prove that a writer should always trust their first instinct when it comes to the human condition, as that's when Rudyard…

But alas, that is a story for another time, my little quesadillas.

*

 _If you enjoyed this extract from "Memoirs of a Funeral House Mouse - More Mouse, More Funeral" then why not purchase it now for only £5.99 plus shipping when you order directly from us online? Yes, that's right the fifth instalment of the family saga that Reverend Nigel Wavering of the "_ Vicar's Weekly" _described as_ "In terms of literary merit, it's no _Scandalliances_ , but the author rightly celebrates the completion of her novel -as it definitely exists! But, well, if you’re confessing that you enjoyed it then God forgives you and commends you on your taste." _is on_ _ly £5.99 plus shipping when you order from our website. That is www.penguinrandommouse.com/Piffling._

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: If upon reading this you are getting second thoughts about doing a first aid course, rest assured - you'll never ever be asked to practice CPR on another person! It is actually pretty dangerous to resuscitate someone who is breathing and conscious. Don' trust anything Dr Edgware teaches the Funns - he is a terrible doctor!
> 
> This story has been brought to you by the holidays, one original concept, a handful jokes I can no longer remember where I read first, so I can't properly credit and my latest first aid training that shamelessly called me "the most important person". Shout out to MotherFuckingSorcery who coined the term "little means and little ability" for me in their hilarious AU [ "Rudyard Funn, Superhero"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26847517) and to imitateslife who made me a diehard [Antiware](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25930099/chapters/63024448) fan for life and whose work you should definitely check out!


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